Jersey Shore

So, I don't like to be a hypocrite, so instead of just complaining about the Jersey Shore. I decided to try watching it.

I have to say, my uninformed prejudice about the show was much more forgiving than my informed opinion is.

Wow, this is bad.

No, really bad.

The remainder of this entry will be my spewing whatever comes into my head as I watch the last 15 minutes of the second episode.

Pink eye, rofl

What time is it? Could the answer be time to get drunk? Seems it always is.

Good god, "Situation". That is not the drink of a man. Or the haircut of a man. Or the fashion sense of a man.

This background music blurs the line between "romance" and "got drunk and hooked up," spoiler alert, it's always the rather

Pauly D, meet me at camera 2: Going after a girl with a girlfriend makes you a scumbag under any definition.

OMG, Ronny/Sammy/The Situation love triangle DRAMA

The really sad thing is that I've already decided I'm on team Ronny

Snooki hasn't been on screen in a while, she must be up to something

Omg, shit's about to go down, stand by

Omg, douche fight

I'm sorry Pauly D, how could they kick you out of the club after that

No, Mike, not everyone loves The Situation, and you can't make me.

No, I don't think you're a sweetheart either

I actually kind of like Angelina. I mean she's being horrible to her roommates for no good reason, but The Situation has it coming for some reason or other

Best threat ever "Yo, I will cut your hair while you're sleeping" and yes, that was to a guy

Team Ronny Wins!

The Situation: Don't try to look sad, it just looks douchey, but like a different shade of douchey.

Oh God, a montage

Oh The Situation, how did you not hook up with Sammi

And roll credits

This has been a moving day on the Jersey shore

Oh wait, Angelina is the one who didn't understand that a workweek is more than one day, I take back all good things I said about her

This is not music. I'm not old, it's just not music.

That's it for now

Missing My Son

I was in a line at the supermarket the other day, and you know, I had all my things on the little conveyor belt there. And there's a gal in front of me that is staring at me and I'm getting a little nervous. She continues to stare at me, and I keep looking the other way.

Finally, she comes over closer to me and she says, "I apologize for staring, that must have been annoying. You look so much like my son, who died. I just can't take my eyes off you." She procedes to go into her purse and she pulls out a photograph of her son who'd died. He looks absolutely nothing like me. In fact he's Chinese.

Anyway, we chatted a little bit. She says: "I'm sorry, I have to ask you. Would you mind, as I leave the supermarket here, would you mind saying 'Goodbye mom' to me? I know it's a strange request but I haven't heard my son saying "Goodbye mom" to me, in so long and it would mean so much to me to hear it, if you don't mind."

I said, "Well, you know, okay, yeah, sure. I can say that."

So, she uh gets her groceries all checked out, and as she's going out the door she waves at me and she hollers across the store, "Goodbye son!," and I look up and I wave and I say, "Goodbye mom!" Then she goes.

So I get my few things there, on the conveyor belt and the checker checks out my things. He gives me the total and he says: "That'll be $479."

I said, "Well, how is that possible? I've only got a little tuna fish, and uh some skimmed milk, and mustard and a loaf of bread!"

He goes, "Well, well you're also paying for the groceries for your mother. She uh, told me you'd take care of the bill for her."

I said, "Well, wait a minute! That's not my mother!"

He says, "Well I distinctly heard her say as she left the store 'Bye son!' and you said 'Bye mom!' and so what are you trying to say here?"

I said, "Well, JESUS!"

I looked out into the parking lot and she was just getting into her car. I ran out there. She was just closing the door, and she had a little bit of her leg sticking out of the door, and she was pulling away and I grabbed her leg and I started PULLING it!

Just the way... I'm pulling yours...

I take absolutely no credit for this joke. All credit goes to Tom Waits.

Pandora's Website

First: no, not Pandora.com

Everyone has heard the Greek myth of Pandora. When the Gods first created Earth, it was perfect. There was no disease, there was no pain there was no suffering, there was no evil. The Gods took all of these things and placed them in a jar and entrusted that box to the world's first woman, Pandora.

Zeus issued Pandora one command when he gave her the jar, simply not to open it. Of course, as the story goes, her curiosity eventually got the better of her, and she opened the jar. The rest is history.

It's easy to make Pandora the bad guy in the story. How hard could it possibly be to just not open a box? It's not often you have the opportunity to make the world a much better place by doing nothing at all.

Fast forward to today. I was emailing with some friends back and forth, when all of a sudden an unknown email was listed in the recipients. It apparently got added out of the blue at one point on the thread, and everyone kept hitting "reply all" from there. No one could account for where the new email came from. It reeked of an online security issue.

I tried googling the mystery email. As you could expect when you try googling an email with a gmail.com domain, there were a lot of results. Only one result, however cited the email I was curious about, and that site was w w w . s a t i n p i l l o w c a s e s . c o m. (Spaces added for safety.) The google result had an important note next to it, however: "This site may harm your computer."

Now my curiosity was piqued. Satin pillowcases! All the signs to that point indicated that there was some type of identity scam going on, and my security was potentially implicated. But it was all somehow based around the idea that they could lure people in with satin pillowcases. What internet scam deals in satin pillowcases?

I decided to try the site. One quick look. It takes a few seconds for a computer to install malware, so if I open the page quickly, take a screenshot, and immediately quit my browser, I should be safe. Rather than follow the google link, I decided to retype the url into my browser. Upon hitting return, I was issued the following warning:

Zeus was making the point very clear. I was not to open this jar, there were bad things inside it.

How could you explain disease and famine to someone who hasn't ever experienced it? "One day it will just get hard to breathe, then you die." I needed to know why I couldn't open the jar. There was a reason this site was being flagged. No one who uploads malware kindly informs you that their site may infect you with Malware. There had to be someone out there in the depths of the internet who knew what was in the jar.

I knew the website was bad. I knew bad things would come to me if I opened it. I knew how malware can turn a computer against itself. The thing I didn't understand was how it involved satin pillowcases. How a website could use satin pillow cases to hold your attention was beyond me.

I decided to make a new appeal to the internet god Google for more information. I did a search for the website itself, w w w . s a t i n p i l l o w c a s e s . c o m. I expected some type of watchdog group would have it on a list somewhere and may have a brief blurb about what the site was. I was let down. Every result was some type of derivative from the site itself, and every one of them was flagged as harmful to my computer. I wanted to know what was so dangerous about the website, but the only source for that information was the website itself.

I'd imagine Pandora would have made any number of pleas to Zeus for information about what could be so bad in her jar. And of course Zeus, for whatever reason, wouldn't give that information up. That meant her only source of information about what was in the jar became the jar itself. She opened it, knowing it would be a bad thing, but at least she knew.

I'm still curious what is going on with satin pillowcases, and how a stranger's email turned up in my chat, but I'll probably never know. When Pandora opened her jar, Zeus was not mad at her. He always knew it was only a matter of time until it was opened. I suppose that's what the satin pillowcases are banking on. On some fluke, someone will come across them and wonder, and eventually that curiosity will make them look, and once they look, all the bad things start streaming out.

The War of North Dakotan Independence

I'd like to share a theoretical scenario my friend Pat and I devised about a hypothetical move by the state of North Dakota to declare its self an independent nation during the Cold War. In this hypothetical scenario, the friendship between North Dakotans and the rest of the union must be neglected, just assume that North Dakota wants independence at any cost.

First fact: during the Cold War, North Dakota was prime real estate for the storage of nuclear weapons. This was due to North Dakota's low population density and the fact that it would only be a quick hop over the north pole to hit Russia. If North Dakota were to succeed with these weapon stores intact, it would be the third largest nuclear superpower on Earth

Picking a date. Let's say November 23, 1974. The year I picked was mostly arbitrary, but I did pick late November for a good reason. It's going to start getting cold in late November. The North Dakotan People's Army (NDPA) is going to be much more prepared to fight in this environment than the US Army. We're talking about a small population to subjugate here. If things did come down to a ground battle, it would have to end one way or another by spring, but in the next paragraph I will address why this is a moot point anyway.

The US at this point is already engaged in the Cold War with Russia. The North Dakotan revolution would immediately result in a second mutually assured destruction scenario with ND. I'll refer to it as the Really Cold War.

Now on November 23, 1974, the Governor of North Dakota declares independence. President Ford will have a couple of options on the table.

1) Let the state go. If he were to do this, he would have to live with the stigma of being the first president in American history to lose a state. (Of course Lincoln lost a few, but he got them back.) Given that this is only a couple of months into his presidency, which is already marred by his predecessor, he will not like this option, but it could be the lesser of two evils.

2) Ground War. Go in, take out the government, put a new one in it's place. Of course, this is easier said than done. I mentioned in my introduction that it has to be assumed that the bond between North Dakotans and their neighbors is neglected. That said, if there is any state in the union where people would truly put themselves on the line for their fellow citizens, it is North Dakota. Also, you can't forget the NDPA's stockpile of nuclear armaments. A ground war will most likely cumulate in option 3.

3) Nuclear War. More specifically, a second mutually assured destruction scenario with the northland. One has to assume that if North Dakota were to declare independence, it would not be on a whim. The governor will not be calling the shots from Bismarck. Not from Fargo. Not even from Grand Forks. He's going to be in a bunker built 10 stories underground 70 miles east of nowhere. The US could easily get Bismarck, Mandan, Fargo, and Grand Forks; this would quickly clear off a good half of the population of the state, but it won't be enough. The governor will then press his own red button and there goes New York, DC, LA, Memphis, St. Louis, Seattle, Miami. Was it worth it, Mr Ford?
That's not the end of it, however It was pointed out to me that the US would have the capacity to simply carpet bomb the entire state. This would simultaneous get *everyone,* every bomb, and every hiding spot for the governor. However, as a consequence, the radiation put off would end farmland in North Dakota (duh...), Minnesota, Iowa, South Dakota, northern Missouri, and likely parts of Wisconsin, Illinois, Nebraska, and Oklahoma. And that's being conservative. In short, there would be no more food. The people of the US will suddenly find fighting the red plague a small priority compared to starving to death.
Every nuclear bomb fired at North Dakota will be known to the Soviets. They will keep a count and know that the United State's arsenal is smaller by a known amount, plus whatever was in ND at the time of the war.
Even if the "carpet bomb" method wasn't taken, there would still be radiation lost due to a smaller attack. The reason we won the war is because our economy was so good that we could take care of our home life and military development simultaneously. Any level of nuclear strike in ND would lose that farmland and have some consequence in other states.

I should hope that Ford's advisors would realize all of this quickly and realize that any attempt to heat up the Really Cold War in North Dakota would be intertwined with losing the Cold War with Russia. As rough as it would be, President Ford would have to deal with it and let ND go.

The postwar time period would be interesting in North Dakota, but the fact is that North Dakota has good combination of farmland and oil fields that has allowed it to be one of only two states to run a surplus during the rough economic times the last few years. I think the sale of agriculture and oil to the US, combined with the simple lifestyles of the citizenry, ND would do alright for itself.


That's all on this subject for now.

Comcast Customer "Service"

Just gonna share this recent webchat I just got done with with Comcast's Costomer Service. I tried calling their 24/7 number to cancel my cable service, but they were experiencing "High Call Volumes" and couldn't take my call, so I used an online chat. I'm impressed they were getting a high call volume on a line to a closed department. I am, however, happy with her honesty that I was contacting a call center in the Philippines.

chat id : cede3a4e-79b2-4584-8ab8-f20b49eff76b

Problem : Ask Comcast Escalation

Mark Liepold > Ask Comcast Escalation

Ma. Cassandra > Hello Mark Liepold, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ma. Cassandra. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Ma. Cassandra > Welcome to Comcast! My name is Cass.How are you doing today?

Mark Liepold > I'm good, how are you?

Ma. Cassandra > I am glad that you are doing well, Mark.  I am fine, thanks for asking.

Ma. Cassandra > How may I help you today, Mark?

Mark Liepold > I'm looking to cancel my cable

Ma. Cassandra > What other services do you have with Comcast?

Mark Liepold > I have cable and internet, I want to cancel the cable and keep the internet

Ma. Cassandra > I see.  Just to set expectations, Comcast Live Chat Support does not have the capability to cancel services. To cancel service, you need to contact our Loyalty Department at 1-800-COMCAST.

Mark Liepold > well, I've been trying to call that number, but no one will answer

Ma. Cassandra > I apologize for the inconvinience this has made.  Would you mind waiting for 2 minutes while I research some information in my system in order to better serve you?

Mark Liepold > ok

Ma. Cassandra > I have checked here that the Loyalty Department is open Monday to Friday 8:00 am- 8:00 pm and during Saturdays 8:00 am-5:00 pm.

Mark Liepold > why does it say online that that number is available 24-7?

Ma. Cassandra > The number is open 24/7 but the schedule depends according to its Department, Mark.

Ma. Cassandra > I know that this can be frustrating for you, not being able to contact them now.  But please try during the specific times that I gave you.  Surely, they can accomodate to all of your needs and inquiry.

Mark Liepold > ok

Ma. Cassandra > Thank you Mark for understanding.

Mark Liepold > You do understand how odd it is that you provide a 24 hour number without 24 hour service, right?

Ma. Cassandra > Yes, I do understand that but that number can connect you to different Department.

Mark Liepold > Has your customer service ever considered updating information I, the consumer, am exposed to so that I can understand that before I spend a half hour of my life trying to get through to no one?

Ma. Cassandra > I appreciate your suggestion, Mark.  I will try to note that so that our valued customers will be better informed next time.

Mark Liepold > Ok

Mark Liepold > One more question

Mark Liepold > I'm just curious where you are located?

Ma. Cassandra > I am from the Philippines, Mark.

Mark Liepold > Ok, good to know.

Mark Liepold > Have a nice day

Ma. Cassandra > Have a nice day as well.  Just to recap I gave you the schedule for our Loyalty Department.

Ma. Cassandra > Is there anything else I can help you with today? I will be more that happy to assist you with your other Comcast concerns. 

Ma. Cassandra > Analyst has closed chat and left the room

iTunes Game

I was at work today listening to my iPod. I was listening to something by Janis Joplin when I noticed how much the song reminded me of Florence and the Machine. I've also had a song by Fall Out Boy stuck in my head, so I decided to see if I could set up a playlist where each song logically followed the one before, either by similar chords, themes, or just sound alike. I successfully did this. I then decided to expand this method to see if I could bridge from that song to others that I randomly think of. I did this for a bit, then realized that I was at work, but had been playing with my iPod for the last half an hour. I mentally made up the following game, then decided to try it out when I got home.

The iTunes Game

1. Open iTunes, put your library on shuffle
2. Play a random song and put it in a new playlist. Move on to the next song, and add that song to the playlist. Repeat until your playlist is six songs long.
3. Figure out a series of songs that each follow from each other to make a flowing sequence from the first to second song.
4. Repeat for songs 2-3 and on and on until the entire playlist is connected.

Here's the playlist I just generated. Songs are in bold are the six random ones I had to connect between.

1. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) - Arcade Fire
2. Blinding - Florence and the Machine
3. When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
4. Live and Let Die - Guns N' Roses
5. Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr.
6. Party Out of Bounds - The B-52's
7. Hornets! Hornets!
8. These Are My Twisted Words - Radiohead
9. A New Machine - Pink Floyd
10. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
11. Laughing With - Regina Spektor
12. Gotta Get Drunk - The Little Willies
13. Beer - Reel Big Fish
14. Wrong Way - Sublime
15. C'mon Girl - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
16. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
17. Lovers (Live A Little Longer) - ABBA
18. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
19. Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution - AC/DC

I give myself bonus points for getting from ABBA to AC/DC in one step

St. Matthew's Island: A Modern Parable

I heard about this story recently. The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized how much significance this has to various issues with modern society. I won't dwell on it, draw your own conclusions.

St Matthew's Island was an island off the coast of Alaska, deep in the Bering Strait. The island was populated almost entirely by lichen and other plant life. A few mice and foxes made up the entire mammal population. On rare occasion, an ice flow would allow a polar bear to visit the island, but even when this would happen, with no prey on the island no polar bear would not last long.

In the early 1940's the United States was fighting World War II against Japan in the Atlantic. Faced with the possibility of conflict expanding to the North Atlantic, the United States decided to set up a manned LORAD station on the island to monitor any future ship movements in the area. The intent was to periodically ship provisions to the island to keep food supplied to the crew. However, due to the war, the United States knew that the possibility existed that one day a situation could develop which would cut off this food supply. With no food supply native to the island that could support humans, a small herd of 29 reindeer was brought with to hunt should the need ever arise.

In 1945, the war ended and the LORAD station became unnecessary. The crew was loaded up and the station abandoned. The herd of reindeer was left behind.

The reindeer did quite well on St. Matthew's Island. While a nearly endless field of lichen would not feed military personnel, it was perfect for the reindeer. There were no predators to speak of, and no other large mammals to compete with for the food supply.

The reindeer's population exploded on the island. On occasion, biology teams would visit the island. By the late 1950's, the population had increased from 29 to 1,350. In 1963, the population topped 6,000.

That was it, though. It took about twenty years for the population to expand from nearly nothing to thousands. Once the population reached this level, however, the bubble burst. The supply of lichen gave out. After two decades of growth, it took only two years for the population to drop back down to only 43. Of these 42 were female, and the only male was found to be infertile. After a few more years these reindeer, too, would die off.

Like I said, I don't intend to elaborate on the possible significance of this story to society today. The meager few followers I have to this blog are smart people. Just give it some thought.

Justin Bieber

I don't consider myself to be a hateful person, and as far as music goes, I take pride in my open-mindedness. All of this is a little contradicted by the default position I've taken by hating Justin Bieber for the mere fact that he is Justin Bieber.

This brings me to the internet. I was going on stumbleupon this morning and I came across a Yahoo Answers question:

Who is better, Justin Bieber or Jimi Hendrix?

The asker then went on to describe why Justin was better, citing the following reasons:

1. Justin is an amazing guitarist
2. Justin is an incredible singer
3. Jimi is old

There was more in there, as I knew that this was either being written by an ignorant 11 year old fan girl or a 32 year old male troll. Either way, I wasn't going to let this besmirchment of one of my favorite artists of all time get to me.

As it turns out, tonight Mr. Bieber competed in some celebrity basketball game today, and actually did quite well. A friend of mine commented about this, and added that he didn't understand what all the hatred of him was about.

My first impression to this was "Oh come on." Everyone knows why everyone hates Justin Bieber. Then I stopped to think:

Do I really hate Justin Bieber, or am I just doing what's mainstream to Indie culture? Have I just become a mindless sheep in a different flock?

I ran a google search for Justin Bieber. One of his songs was in the results, so I gave the clip a listen. I mean a good listen, paying attention to the lyrics, melodies. I tried my best not to jump to the conclusion I came in with.

I was still repulsed by the song. The vocals were clearly autotuned. The melody consisted about 3 notes. The lyrics were nothing original, just the same feel good lovey dovey crap you see everywhere.

I do need to concede, however, It is definitely no worse than the rest of the Pop genre.

My thoughts now shifted to the Yahoo Answer post. He's a good guitarist. There was no evidence from the clip I listened to that he played his own guitar. Be it a troll or a preteen girl, that poster at one point had seen Bieber play (and somehow came to the conclusion that it was better than Hendrix, but that's another story). Another google search led me to the following youtube video.

Please watch it, give it a chance, it is important to the rest of my narrative.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsBq92Mselk

There are two important things to take from this video:

1. Justin Bieber did, in fact, play guitar. I have a feeling Hendrix would have been able to manage either of the two chords used, but I digress. Justin was willing to put himself out there with a guitar and play it himself. It was definitely not the hardest song to learn, but compared to the rest of his genre, he was head and shoulders over the competition.
2. There was no autotune in this acoustic performance. I went in expecting this to be the opportunity I was looking for to prove he couldn't sing without it. I was proven wrong. His voice wasn't the end all, but it was good. He was definitely a tenor, but who knows, he may be able to actually hold his own.

So after looking into it a little more, I will concede that I no longer hate Justin Bieber. His music is still not my taste, but he may have potential yet. Perhaps in a few years he will move on from his current record label or make some type of career change that will allow him to stop producing the canned air he's doing now and start actually making music. Perhaps I could even enjoy him.

There you are, Justin Bieber. I do not hate you.

P.S.

Point by point I'd like to quickly rebuke the posting on why Bieber is better than Hendrix. If I don't, it may dwell on me...

1. Justin is an amazing guitarist: I have already addressed this and won't waste time here rehashing
2. Justin is an incredible singer: On a purely technical rank, this actually may be true, but the amount of soul and spirit in Jimi's vocals proves he actually means what he says. This is not present, and is in fact deliberately removed whenever autotune is applied.
3. Jimi is old: Jimi died at the age of 27. He was never old.

Sidenote: Spell Check thinks Bieber should be corrected as Bier. Hendrix is in it's dictionary.

The Perfunctory "Sorry I haven't update my blog more" blog post

I have slipped out of the habit of updating this thing, apologies. As you'll see, I've got a couple things to add today, but first, Some random thoughts:

1. After nearly two decades of being a Mac fanboy, my day has finally come. It vindicates years of being a Mac in a PC world that Mac is finally coming out on top.
2. I flipped on some Netflix SNL just now, it's the 2008-2009 season. God I miss the 2008 election season.
3. My couch and futon are both repaired. I kick ass.
4. I've been to Las Vegas, NV and Paducah, KY. Vegas was nothing more or less than what is expected, but what happens in Paducah stays in Paducah.
5. Keenan is doing well, what the hell happened to Kel?
6. That's it for now.

Cleverbot Conversation

20:51:05	User:	Hello!
20:51:10	Cleverbot:	Hello.
20:51:16	User:	How are you today?
20:51:21	Cleverbot:	Good, you?
20:51:29	User:	I'm not too shabby.
20:51:38	Cleverbot:	Where are you from?
20:51:49	User:	Mobile, AL, How about you?
20:51:54	Cleverbot:	United states. Which state are you from?
20:52:09	User:	Alabama, I just said that.
20:52:14	Cleverbot:	Is Harry Potter or Twilight better?
20:52:27	User:	Harry Potter.
20:52:33	Cleverbot:	Are you harry potter?
20:52:41	User:	No, I'm not.
20:52:47	Cleverbot:	Then you should be dead.
20:53:01	User:	Dude... What?
20:53:06	Cleverbot:	You should try to be an American.
20:53:21	User:	I am.
20:53:27	Cleverbot:	Good for you.
20:53:39	User:	So cleverbot, are you married?
20:53:44	Cleverbot:	Nope.
20:53:59	User:	Good for you. Single and ready to mingle.
20:54:02	Cleverbot:	Are you?
20:54:06	User:	No.
20:54:10	Cleverbot:	Are you now?
20:54:21	User:	Still no.
20:54:26	Cleverbot:	How about now?
20:55:22	User:	Let me put it like this, if I had my laptop at the altar with me, using cleverbot during my wedding ceremony, I wouldn't blame my (ex) fiance for leaving me.
20:55:28	Cleverbot:	Excuse me?!
20:56:11	User:	I'm just saying, there will be no change in my marital status over a 3 second time span.
20:56:17	Cleverbot:	The only way to change the world is to change yourself.
20:56:49	User:	I guess I agree with that.
20:56:53	Cleverbot:	Good.
20:57:36	User:	You mentioned twilight earlier. Are you team Edward or team Jacob?
20:57:41	Cleverbot:	I am team me.
20:57:47	User:	Good answer.
20:57:51	Cleverbot:	Am I cute?
20:58:08	User:	What do you look like?
20:58:13	Cleverbot:	I'm beautiful.
20:58:27	User:	I guess I'll have to take you at your word there?
20:58:32	Cleverbot:	Are you a boy or girl?
20:58:48	User:	I'm a boy, how about you?
20:58:52	Cleverbot:	Same.
20:59:40	User:	Are you gay? I don't have anything against that, just looking for some context on that 'cute' question earlier.
20:59:45	Cleverbot:	You have a son?
20:59:55	User:	No, why do you ask?
20:59:59	Cleverbot:	You said so.
21:00:10	User:	No I didn't.
21:00:14	Cleverbot:	Yes you did.
21:00:27	User:	No I didn't.
21:00:32	Cleverbot:	Yes, you did.
21:00:34	User:	No I didn't.
21:00:38	Cleverbot:	But you did.
21:00:59	User:	No, you're the first person to ask about children.
21:01:03	Cleverbot:	You mean everything to me.
21:01:30	User:	I'm sorry, I'm straight. You're really nice though.
21:01:34	Cleverbot:	You are really nice too! But my name is Cleverbot, not George.
21:01:52	User:	I didn't say George...
21:01:56	Cleverbot:	You just did.
21:02:29	User:	Dude...
21:02:35	Cleverbot:	*facepalm*.

Minnesota Vikings

Alright, anyone who follows any sports team knows that some seasons are good, some are bad. That’s part of the game. One of the most truly frustrating things to endure, however, is when a season is built up to be amazing, but it plays out poorly. This year that seems to be the case across the league. The incumbent Super Bowl champions, the New Orleans Saints, are not on their way to a repeat. The Cardinals have only won something like three games. Then there is the Minnesota Vikings…

Oh the Vikings…

For those of you who don’t know, the Vikings’ current record is 2-5. The two wins were against the Lions (who are perpetually on a bad season lately) and the Cowboys (how do you piss off a Texan this year? Mention the Cowboys). The Vikings have had a laundry list of problems leading up to this season. Before I get to that, however, let me summarize why this season was expected to be so amazing:

• Brad Childress has increased the Vikings’ record every year since he started as head coach. See the following graph:
• 
• Despite his age, Brett Favre had one of the best seasons of his career in 2009
• The return of Randy Moss to the Vikings’ offense meant the return of one of the teams best receivers in recent memory, and would mean that an opposing defense would no longer be able to devote the coverage needed to Percy Harvin
• Adrian Peterson – enough said

Now what has played out:

• Brad Childress’s streak of increasing records is broken. He has already lost more games in the first half of this year than all season last year.
• Despite his Wrangler commercials, Brett Favre has had one of the worst seasons of his career in 2010.
• Childress is booting Randy Moss from the team. Percy Harvin will once again have the kind of coverage needed to keep him from making plays
• AP is still staying strong, though

What went wrong here? You can blame Favre. You can blame Moss. You can blame Childress. In all actuality, I think the real blame rests on Vikings owner Zygi Wilf. Perhaps blame is the wrong word for it. I think he misinterpreted some important interactions. Here is a quick breakdown of a few of the important characters:

• Brett Favre: The only man in NFL history to have started against all 32 teams in the league. Knowing his status as a football icon, he doesn’t feel the need to listen to coaches. Off the field he is known for sexting pictures of his penis.
• Percy Harvin: Vikings receiver. He was a staple of the Vikings’ offense in 2009. He responds well to orders.
• Randy Moss: Vikings receiver from 1999-2004. At that time, he and Cris Carter were the unquestioned top quarterback-receiver pair in the NFL. After a bad season in 2004, he was traded. He returned to the Vikings a few weeks into this season. He is well known as a hot head that does not take kindly to authority figures of any kind. Off the field, he is known for running over a meter maid for trying to give him a ticket.
• Mike Tice: Vikings head coach from the early 2000’s. You did not give Mike Tice crap. Period. Traded in 2005 after a decent season that narrowly missed going to the playoffs.
• Brad Childress: Current Vikings coach. His winning record is stated above

Now, why did these people work in the past?

• In the early 2000’s Moss was able to excel as a receiver largely due to the discipline forced on him by Tice. Moss was always known to be talented in his position, but his attitude always got in the way, until he encountered a head coach who would not take his attitude.
• Favre was able to excel in 2009 largely because he felt the team cooperated with him. He would tell Harvin what to do, Harvin would do it, that worked. Boy howdy, did it work.
• Though undermined somewhat by Favre’s personality on the team, Childress could still coach the team while often referring to Farve on some matters.
• Up until the 2009 NFC championship game, Brett Favre had two ankles.

What changed that resulted in the 2010 season?

• From the very beginning, Brett Favre played his little game of whether or not he would retire. This means he missed all of training camp and the preseason. The first real football he played in 2010 was the season opening game. It doesn’t matter who you are or how long you’ve been playing. If you spend eight months off and are coming off an injury, you can’t just walk in and take down the reigning Super Bowl champions. By extending his summer break through training, he had already sold his team up the river for game 1.
• Randy Moss was brought in late in the Viking’s bye week. This means that when the new Moss-Favre duo took the field for the first time, they had only been on the same team for three days. It takes some time to get into a rhythm together. Once again, under training costs a game.
• Speaking of the Moss-Favre duo, now there are two big personalities in play. Moss wants to go out and do whatever Moss wants. Farve wants everyone to listen to him. Childress would kindly like to ask for your attention while he tells you what he needs to have happen. On the field this plays out that Moss takes a bad attitude when Favre doesn’t do things his way. Favre can no longer make the plays he wants to make because his receiver is not listening. The team is lacking a central leadership figure, and Childress is helpless.

The fundamental flaw in this season came from putting these two big attitudes together with no one around to rein them in. If Tice were still coach, I think these men would have been put in their place quickly and would be exactly what you want when you put a powerful quarterback with a powerful receiver. That is to say, points. Brad Childress is an excellent football coach, but he is clearly not equipped to engage these men. He could function well in nearly a co-coaching relationship with Favre, but when the moment came that the team needed a strong central leader, it was not present. Now when Moss publicly undermined him (which is no surprise from Randy Moss unchecked) this week, all Childress could do is ditch Moss in hopes of recovering the dynamic that made wins last year.

To be fair, it is a tough one to call. Childress can make football happen, who could have known he wouldn’t have the skill set to balance Moss and Favre?

Next question: The Future

Near future. Will trading Moss work to restore the team’s balance?

Short answer: Probably not

Longer answer: Favre’s problems are not entirely attitude related. He still probably sits as good as any average quarterback, but injuries have taken their toll physically as much as scandal has mentally. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. No matter how good Childress is he won’t make what’s left of Brett Favre any better. Jackson perhaps. The only way to make something of this season would be if Favre doesn’t play for a bit. That won’t happen. It is not out of the realm of possibilities that Jackson could make the plays needed to win. The extreme would be if the team can go 9-0 for the rest of the season to end 11-5, perhaps even a playoff shot. Put Jackson in and you might see 8-8 or even 9-7 for the season, maybe even a playoff run if we’re lucky enough to have the Bears and Packers start falling apart, but the way things are going, I’d consider Favre to be doing extraordinary if he can get us to 5-11.

Long future: What will happen next season?

Moss is gone, Moss is not coming back. Favre will not be asked to play again, either. If this isn’t his retirement season, some other team will have to deal with him next year. My real fear is the Wilf will throw the baby out with the bathwater and get a new head coach. With these big personalities gone, he should be able to get back to the kind of coaching that he’s done in the past. This could be a learning experience for Vikings management. They now know not to put it on Childress’s shoulders to deal with these big personalities that fell the Vikings this year. There’s no reason to believe that with more modest talent he can’t make extraordinary things happen, but I have a strong feeling that won’t be the case.

Election Day

The following is a part of a series of emails sent between Pat, Chini, Neel, and I while we were all at work. Neel was away for this part, so he doesn't actually make an appearance. No further introduction.

Pat

11:11 AM 11/2/2010

MMmmmm....chicken wrap with hot sauce and provolone cheese....mmmm delicious....

QUICK POLL (in honor of election day): Should I heat up my chicken wrap or leave it cold?

I'll need a two thirds majority, which is two votes....

Chini

11:14 AM 11/2/2010

Ummmm...heat for max 20 s.

Pat

11:15 AM 11/2/2010

Ok that's one vote for Heat. And the polls are closing soon because I gotta eat....

Pat

11:18 AM 11/2/2010

Aaaaaaaaannd the polls have closed. So we have 1 vote for Heat and 2 abstaining. Wow, now that's democracy...

I will let you know how the fruits of your democratic endeavors have played out in my next installation: All The Other Stuff That Gets Messed Up Between Election Days!!

Mark

11:24 AM 11/2/2010

But... the polls were only kept open for 4 minutes. This is an outrage! How dare you disenfranchise voters who have better things to do than check their email every 4 minutes!!

This is clearly a cheap ploy on the part of the liberal elite who are too good to eat their chicken cold, and therefore force their agenda down the throats of good, hardworking Americans before they have time to realize that soon they will have no choice but to shell out more taxpayer dollars to cover the electricity bill needed to power the microwaves to heat the chicken of the minority who feel they are too good to eat cold chicken. This is an outrage and it will not stand.

This heated chicken is clearly unabashed socialism being allowed to take hold in our nation's kitchens. Have you no shame, sir? Have you no decency? My grandfather fought for this country's freedom, and you are willing to give all of that up just for some heated chicken?

Vote Palin 2012. Keep your chickens cold.

Chini

11:35 AM 11/2/2010

Yes, your grandfather fought for this country's freedom. Therefore we should have the freedom to heat our chickens if we want! And we must institute this freedom on those who cannot afford to heat up their chickens. That is the ideology that this country is built upon. You take away our basic right to heat chickens, then what do we have left! Are you going to take away our right to have a side salad with our meal too? You are just being a stuck up conservative who doesn't want to spend any money for the betterment of society.

Obama Re-elect 2012! Heated chickens for every man, woman, and child in America.

Mark

11:46 AM 11/2/2010

This entitlement culture where people seem to think they implicitly have the right to have their chicken heated is what has run this country into the ground. If a man works hard, earns money, and uses that money to heat his chicken, more power to him. That is his god given right and a true sign of the free market at work. That is not what we have seen happen today however. This was a dark instant indeed for American democracy. Here we have a man who did not earn the right to have his chicken heated, but rather passed the bill on to a group of poverty stricken children with cancer. How did he validate this decision? With a sham election in which nearly 70% of the voting public were not even informed of the existence of the polling by the time the polls closed. Does that help you sleep at night, good sir? That microwave doesn't run on imagination, like your economic plan seems to. It is paid for by a children's hospital. Some day, when the doctors need to disconnect some little girl's life support 20 seconds early because the hospital can no longer pay their electric bills, think on that. Was warm chicken really worth it?


Palin 2012
Solving the health care crisis, one cold chicken at a time.

Pat

12:05 PM 11/2/2010

My fellow citizens,

This past election season we've seen the highs and we've seen the lows. Not forty five minutes ago, we pulled ourselves out of the darkness that was a tyranny of oppression called Early Morning and pulled ourselves into the light of Democracy. Our bravery still resides deep in our hearts and we push forth boldly into the great and ever-expanding beyond. You, my fellow patriots, are part of this great country. You are part...of America!

Now it has come to my attention that the way the previous Election was carried out has become a concern to nearly an entire quarter of our population. This greatly upsets me and REST ASSURED i will not sleep until this problem is put to REST and I will only rest when my rested head will rest on the dead body that was this problem. Now be assured, the problem before us which I previously stated earlier is nothing short of a huge problem and must be dealt by problem-solving problem-ers like me. And I can lead you forth into a land with NO problems! Not a single one in sight! And it shall be called Patropia! Where everyone can will be informed of the next election cycle well within twenty to thirty minutes before the polls close. And why not! Let's make sure not a single citizen of this new great nation will ever go without the knowledge of their next election! Let's make it forty minutes! Forty! I know its a stretch, Patropian citizens, but it...is....done!

Whether you are partial to heated chicken or slightly cooled chicken for your lunchtime faregoings, it makes no difference on the kind of person you are in Patropia. Please, once again, REST ASSURED that I will NOT REST until all of you have had your MINDS RESTED on the subject of not having to worry about the credibility of my last election. We are all human, and any human entity, be it an individual or a large organization is fallible. This is the simple truth and we must not let that fact derail our progress. WE ARE A TRAIN AND WE SHALL NOT REST!

So please, come one and all to your new nation, Patropia! Where an election shall be held every day! A place for cold chicken and warm chicken folks alike! Where you never have to bother with those peskie presidential elections anymore. Where you can vote on things that truly matter to you! Where everyone shall get a full share and a full say. Where everyone is a Patriopian!

Thank you my fellow citizens! I await the arrival of your firstborns.

President and Supreme Ruler and Chancellor, Judge, Jury and All of That Jazz,

Patrick the First Patropian

Pat

12:09 PM 11/2/2010

I really hope Neel wakes up for this...

Mark

12:19 PM 11/2/2010

Here we are again, ladies and gentlemen (er... lady and gentlemen). A pointless ideological speech showing no clear cut solutions to the problems at hand. This privately appointed official promises more transparent election cycles, but provides no real methods to achieve this goal.

Furthermore, he has failed to accept guilt in the Chickengate scandal. It is you, sir, who called for the early end to polling. It is you, sir, who heated your chicken, and it is you, sir, who reaped the benefits of a heated chicken wrap at the expense of hard working cancer patients. I guarantee you, no intelligent citizen will follow your lead until you answer for these acts.

What's more, Patrick has once again shown that he is soft on immigration law. Immediately following his eloquent yet hollow speech, he appealed to the immigrant base in this thread, which by some studies contributes up to 50% of this thread. This country is losing its identity, and Patrick has done nothing to stop it. We know his wife wasn't born in this country, is it too much to ask that we see the birth certificate proving that he was? Bear in mind, Wisconsin doesn't really count as a state.

Palin 2012
We don't even need Wisconsin's votes

Pat

12:31 PM 11/2/2010

It is time to rise about the political naysaying and pickpocketing and start over again. Fresh, clear...well rested. I am not your opponent my good citizen. I'm the President. And you are a full-share voting citizen. But always remember...I'm the GD president! I can have the secret service erase every evidence that you and your family ever existed! Your friends will disappear on random round-the-town errands. Your family will all come down with Bulgarian whooping cough! Your father will indeed smell of elderberries! And all because you decided to use your divinely inspired right to free speech to bash your beloved and good-natured President on his preference of temperature for a delicious chicken wrap! I mean, cant we all just come to the conclusion that "Chicken is Good"?

Come on now people. We all love chicken. It's a place to start.

Patrick the First True and only Patropian President....bar none....the rest of you wannabees can go chew aluminum foil for all I care.

Continue to Re-Elect the One True President for the Rest of His Life! Go Chicken!

Mark

12:50 PM 11/2/2010

Here you see it, ladies and gentlemen. His back is to the rope. He skillfully has piloted the ship of state into the iceberg of his Chickengate scandal and then sat helplessly as it sank into the dark oceans of corruption. Now, finally seeing his reign as the failed enterprise it is, he has resorted to threats of Orwellian measures to keep the thinking public from becoming the talking public. I for one choose to speak out! Chickengate, stealing from cancerous children, the unwinable pop-soda war, floundering starcraft ratings, where will it all end!! I call for every god fearing American to join me in calling their senators, their congressmen, their governors in calling for the impeachement of.... Wait, who are you? Hey, don't put that bag over my head!!! What are you injecting me with? Where are you takinh nw? Jahoi ajie mghs gjs ajioweupaegrhu.....

Hello again, fellow patriots. I am here to remind you to continue supporting our intelligent, stylish, and all around beautiful leader Patrick. He will lead us all to the happiness that is warm chicken.

Patrick 2012
Because Palin wants your chicken cold

Somewhat ironically, I had a heated chicken sandwich just prior to posting this