Sunday, November 21, 2010
Cleverbot Conversation
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Minnesota Vikings
Alright, anyone who follows any sports team knows that some seasons are good, some are bad. That’s part of the game. One of the most truly frustrating things to endure, however, is when a season is built up to be amazing, but it plays out poorly. This year that seems to be the case across the league. The incumbent Super Bowl champions, the New Orleans Saints, are not on their way to a repeat. The Cardinals have only won something like three games. Then there is the Minnesota Vikings…
Oh the Vikings…
For those of you who don’t know, the Vikings’ current record is 2-5. The two wins were against the Lions (who are perpetually on a bad season lately) and the Cowboys (how do you piss off a Texan this year? Mention the Cowboys). The Vikings have had a laundry list of problems leading up to this season. Before I get to that, however, let me summarize why this season was expected to be so amazing:
- Brad Childress has increased the Vikings’ record every year since he started as head coach. See the following graph:
- Despite his age, Brett Favre had one of the best seasons of his career in 2009
- The return of Randy Moss to the Vikings’ offense meant the return of one of the teams best receivers in recent memory, and would mean that an opposing defense would no longer be able to devote the coverage needed to Percy Harvin
- Adrian Peterson – enough said
Now what has played out:
- Brad Childress’s streak of increasing records is broken. He has already lost more games in the first half of this year than all season last year.
- Despite his Wrangler commercials, Brett Favre has had one of the worst seasons of his career in 2010.
- Childress is booting Randy Moss from the team. Percy Harvin will once again have the kind of coverage needed to keep him from making plays
- AP is still staying strong, though
What went wrong here? You can blame Favre. You can blame Moss. You can blame Childress. In all actuality, I think the real blame rests on Vikings owner Zygi Wilf. Perhaps blame is the wrong word for it. I think he misinterpreted some important interactions. Here is a quick breakdown of a few of the important characters:
- Brett Favre: The only man in NFL history to have started against all 32 teams in the league. Knowing his status as a football icon, he doesn’t feel the need to listen to coaches. Off the field he is known for sexting pictures of his penis.
- Percy Harvin: Vikings receiver. He was a staple of the Vikings’ offense in 2009. He responds well to orders.
- Randy Moss: Vikings receiver from 1999-2004. At that time, he and Cris Carter were the unquestioned top quarterback-receiver pair in the NFL. After a bad season in 2004, he was traded. He returned to the Vikings a few weeks into this season. He is well known as a hot head that does not take kindly to authority figures of any kind. Off the field, he is known for running over a meter maid for trying to give him a ticket.
- Mike Tice: Vikings head coach from the early 2000’s. You did not give Mike Tice crap. Period. Traded in 2005 after a decent season that narrowly missed going to the playoffs.
- Brad Childress: Current Vikings coach. His winning record is stated above
Now, why did these people work in the past?
- In the early 2000’s Moss was able to excel as a receiver largely due to the discipline forced on him by Tice. Moss was always known to be talented in his position, but his attitude always got in the way, until he encountered a head coach who would not take his attitude.
- Favre was able to excel in 2009 largely because he felt the team cooperated with him. He would tell Harvin what to do, Harvin would do it, that worked. Boy howdy, did it work.
- Though undermined somewhat by Favre’s personality on the team, Childress could still coach the team while often referring to Farve on some matters.
- Up until the 2009 NFC championship game, Brett Favre had two ankles.
What changed that resulted in the 2010 season?
- From the very beginning, Brett Favre played his little game of whether or not he would retire. This means he missed all of training camp and the preseason. The first real football he played in 2010 was the season opening game. It doesn’t matter who you are or how long you’ve been playing. If you spend eight months off and are coming off an injury, you can’t just walk in and take down the reigning Super Bowl champions. By extending his summer break through training, he had already sold his team up the river for game 1.
- Randy Moss was brought in late in the Viking’s bye week. This means that when the new Moss-Favre duo took the field for the first time, they had only been on the same team for three days. It takes some time to get into a rhythm together. Once again, under training costs a game.
- Speaking of the Moss-Favre duo, now there are two big personalities in play. Moss wants to go out and do whatever Moss wants. Farve wants everyone to listen to him. Childress would kindly like to ask for your attention while he tells you what he needs to have happen. On the field this plays out that Moss takes a bad attitude when Favre doesn’t do things his way. Favre can no longer make the plays he wants to make because his receiver is not listening. The team is lacking a central leadership figure, and Childress is helpless.
The fundamental flaw in this season came from putting these two big attitudes together with no one around to rein them in. If Tice were still coach, I think these men would have been put in their place quickly and would be exactly what you want when you put a powerful quarterback with a powerful receiver. That is to say, points. Brad Childress is an excellent football coach, but he is clearly not equipped to engage these men. He could function well in nearly a co-coaching relationship with Favre, but when the moment came that the team needed a strong central leader, it was not present. Now when Moss publicly undermined him (which is no surprise from Randy Moss unchecked) this week, all Childress could do is ditch Moss in hopes of recovering the dynamic that made wins last year.
To be fair, it is a tough one to call. Childress can make football happen, who could have known he wouldn’t have the skill set to balance Moss and Favre?
Next question: The Future
Near future. Will trading Moss work to restore the team’s balance?
Short answer: Probably not
Longer answer: Favre’s problems are not entirely attitude related. He still probably sits as good as any average quarterback, but injuries have taken their toll physically as much as scandal has mentally. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. No matter how good Childress is he won’t make what’s left of Brett Favre any better. Jackson perhaps. The only way to make something of this season would be if Favre doesn’t play for a bit. That won’t happen. It is not out of the realm of possibilities that Jackson could make the plays needed to win. The extreme would be if the team can go 9-0 for the rest of the season to end 11-5, perhaps even a playoff shot. Put Jackson in and you might see 8-8 or even 9-7 for the season, maybe even a playoff run if we’re lucky enough to have the Bears and Packers start falling apart, but the way things are going, I’d consider Favre to be doing extraordinary if he can get us to 5-11.
Long future: What will happen next season?
Moss is gone, Moss is not coming back. Favre will not be asked to play again, either. If this isn’t his retirement season, some other team will have to deal with him next year. My real fear is the Wilf will throw the baby out with the bathwater and get a new head coach. With these big personalities gone, he should be able to get back to the kind of coaching that he’s done in the past. This could be a learning experience for Vikings management. They now know not to put it on Childress’s shoulders to deal with these big personalities that fell the Vikings this year. There’s no reason to believe that with more modest talent he can’t make extraordinary things happen, but I have a strong feeling that won’t be the case.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Election Day
The following is a part of a series of emails sent between Pat, Chini, Neel, and I while we were all at work. Neel was away for this part, so he doesn't actually make an appearance. No further introduction.
Pat
11:11 AM 11/2/2010
MMmmmm....chicken wrap with hot sauce and provolone cheese....mmmm delicious....
QUICK POLL (in honor of election day): Should I heat up my chicken wrap or leave it cold?
I'll need a two thirds majority, which is two votes....
Chini
11:14 AM 11/2/2010
Ummmm...heat for max 20 s.
Pat
11:15 AM 11/2/2010
Ok that's one vote for Heat. And the polls are closing soon because I gotta eat....
Pat
11:18 AM 11/2/2010
Aaaaaaaaannd the polls have closed. So we have 1 vote for Heat and 2 abstaining. Wow, now that's democracy...
I will let you know how the fruits of your democratic endeavors have played out in my next installation: All The Other Stuff That Gets Messed Up Between Election Days!!
Mark
11:24 AM 11/2/2010
But... the polls were only kept open for 4 minutes. This is an outrage! How dare you disenfranchise voters who have better things to do than check their email every 4 minutes!!
This is clearly a cheap ploy on the part of the liberal elite who are too good to eat their chicken cold, and therefore force their agenda down the throats of good, hardworking Americans before they have time to realize that soon they will have no choice but to shell out more taxpayer dollars to cover the electricity bill needed to power the microwaves to heat the chicken of the minority who feel they are too good to eat cold chicken. This is an outrage and it will not stand.
This heated chicken is clearly unabashed socialism being allowed to take hold in our nation's kitchens. Have you no shame, sir? Have you no decency? My grandfather fought for this country's freedom, and you are willing to give all of that up just for some heated chicken?
Vote Palin 2012. Keep your chickens cold.
Chini
11:35 AM 11/2/2010
Yes, your grandfather fought for this country's freedom. Therefore we should have the freedom to heat our chickens if we want! And we must institute this freedom on those who cannot afford to heat up their chickens. That is the ideology that this country is built upon. You take away our basic right to heat chickens, then what do we have left! Are you going to take away our right to have a side salad with our meal too? You are just being a stuck up conservative who doesn't want to spend any money for the betterment of society.
Obama Re-elect 2012! Heated chickens for every man, woman, and child in America.
Mark
11:46 AM 11/2/2010
This entitlement culture where people seem to think they implicitly have the right to have their chicken heated is what has run this country into the ground. If a man works hard, earns money, and uses that money to heat his chicken, more power to him. That is his god given right and a true sign of the free market at work. That is not what we have seen happen today however. This was a dark instant indeed for American democracy. Here we have a man who did not earn the right to have his chicken heated, but rather passed the bill on to a group of poverty stricken children with cancer. How did he validate this decision? With a sham election in which nearly 70% of the voting public were not even informed of the existence of the polling by the time the polls closed. Does that help you sleep at night, good sir? That microwave doesn't run on imagination, like your economic plan seems to. It is paid for by a children's hospital. Some day, when the doctors need to disconnect some little girl's life support 20 seconds early because the hospital can no longer pay their electric bills, think on that. Was warm chicken really worth it?
Palin 2012
Solving the health care crisis, one cold chicken at a time.
Pat
12:05 PM 11/2/2010
My fellow citizens,
This past election season we've seen the highs and we've seen the lows. Not forty five minutes ago, we pulled ourselves out of the darkness that was a tyranny of oppression called Early Morning and pulled ourselves into the light of Democracy. Our bravery still resides deep in our hearts and we push forth boldly into the great and ever-expanding beyond. You, my fellow patriots, are part of this great country. You are part...of America!
Now it has come to my attention that the way the previous Election was carried out has become a concern to nearly an entire quarter of our population. This greatly upsets me and REST ASSURED i will not sleep until this problem is put to REST and I will only rest when my rested head will rest on the dead body that was this problem. Now be assured, the problem before us which I previously stated earlier is nothing short of a huge problem and must be dealt by problem-solving problem-ers like me. And I can lead you forth into a land with NO problems! Not a single one in sight! And it shall be called Patropia! Where everyone can will be informed of the next election cycle well within twenty to thirty minutes before the polls close. And why not! Let's make sure not a single citizen of this new great nation will ever go without the knowledge of their next election! Let's make it forty minutes! Forty! I know its a stretch, Patropian citizens, but it...is....done!
Whether you are partial to heated chicken or slightly cooled chicken for your lunchtime faregoings, it makes no difference on the kind of person you are in Patropia. Please, once again, REST ASSURED that I will NOT REST until all of you have had your MINDS RESTED on the subject of not having to worry about the credibility of my last election. We are all human, and any human entity, be it an individual or a large organization is fallible. This is the simple truth and we must not let that fact derail our progress. WE ARE A TRAIN AND WE SHALL NOT REST!
So please, come one and all to your new nation, Patropia! Where an election shall be held every day! A place for cold chicken and warm chicken folks alike! Where you never have to bother with those peskie presidential elections anymore. Where you can vote on things that truly matter to you! Where everyone shall get a full share and a full say. Where everyone is a Patriopian!
Thank you my fellow citizens! I await the arrival of your firstborns.
President and Supreme Ruler and Chancellor, Judge, Jury and All of That Jazz,
Patrick the First Patropian
Pat
12:09 PM 11/2/2010
I really hope Neel wakes up for this...
Mark
12:19 PM 11/2/2010
Here we are again, ladies and gentlemen (er... lady and gentlemen). A pointless ideological speech showing no clear cut solutions to the problems at hand. This privately appointed official promises more transparent election cycles, but provides no real methods to achieve this goal.
Furthermore, he has failed to accept guilt in the Chickengate scandal. It is you, sir, who called for the early end to polling. It is you, sir, who heated your chicken, and it is you, sir, who reaped the benefits of a heated chicken wrap at the expense of hard working cancer patients. I guarantee you, no intelligent citizen will follow your lead until you answer for these acts.
What's more, Patrick has once again shown that he is soft on immigration law. Immediately following his eloquent yet hollow speech, he appealed to the immigrant base in this thread, which by some studies contributes up to 50% of this thread. This country is losing its identity, and Patrick has done nothing to stop it. We know his wife wasn't born in this country, is it too much to ask that we see the birth certificate proving that he was? Bear in mind, Wisconsin doesn't really count as a state.
Palin 2012
We don't even need Wisconsin's votes
Pat
12:31 PM 11/2/2010
It is time to rise about the political naysaying and pickpocketing and start over again. Fresh, clear...well rested. I am not your opponent my good citizen. I'm the President. And you are a full-share voting citizen. But always remember...I'm the GD president! I can have the secret service erase every evidence that you and your family ever existed! Your friends will disappear on random round-the-town errands. Your family will all come down with Bulgarian whooping cough! Your father will indeed smell of elderberries! And all because you decided to use your divinely inspired right to free speech to bash your beloved and good-natured President on his preference of temperature for a delicious chicken wrap! I mean, cant we all just come to the conclusion that "Chicken is Good"?
Come on now people. We all love chicken. It's a place to start.
Patrick the First True and only Patropian President....bar none....the rest of you wannabees can go chew aluminum foil for all I care.
Continue to Re-Elect the One True President for the Rest of His Life! Go Chicken!
Mark
12:50 PM 11/2/2010
Here you see it, ladies and gentlemen. His back is to the rope. He skillfully has piloted the ship of state into the iceberg of his Chickengate scandal and then sat helplessly as it sank into the dark oceans of corruption. Now, finally seeing his reign as the failed enterprise it is, he has resorted to threats of Orwellian measures to keep the thinking public from becoming the talking public. I for one choose to speak out! Chickengate, stealing from cancerous children, the unwinable pop-soda war, floundering starcraft ratings, where will it all end!! I call for every god fearing American to join me in calling their senators, their congressmen, their governors in calling for the impeachement of.... Wait, who are you? Hey, don't put that bag over my head!!! What are you injecting me with? Where are you takinh nw? Jahoi ajie mghs gjs ajioweupaegrhu.....
Hello again, fellow patriots. I am here to remind you to continue supporting our intelligent, stylish, and all around beautiful leader Patrick. He will lead us all to the happiness that is warm chicken.
Patrick 2012
Because Palin wants your chicken cold
Somewhat ironically, I had a heated chicken sandwich just prior to posting this
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